2022

So this year was quite a revelation to me. It began when i finally met up (in February) with my urologist who confirmed that i hv a sizable cyst (4.5x 3.3 x 3.5 cm) in my left kidney.

Actually late last year during my yearly check up, they discovered it  although  the cyst had not changed in size , it now had septations (walls). So now it was no longer a simple cyst. It's called a complex cyst, which is could be more  sinister. So dragging myself, i made appointment with the specialist($) who for a hefty sum told me what i already knew (from my last yearly check up) that there was a cyst, and said to come back 6 months later (Aug) to see what gives (any further changes). So before i left i  had to ask him what if it is malignant.. to which he replied quite non-chalantly "bcos  it is  located deep in the kidney, I'll hv to take off the kidney".


Hmn.. (NO u WON'T '! I thot to myself )

Anyway, i didn't tell wifey his reply.
That was in february.

Then in early april, i paid a visit to my cardiologist (my last visit was  5 yrs ago), as i had developed some  breathing issues. She was simply horrible, lacking in patient concern, left me with more questions then answers. She immediately presumed my  breathing issues was due to the  heart but upon further examination she couldn't conclude it was due to my heart. But instead she 'discovered' my IVS (inter ventricular septum, which divides the heart into the left /right ventricles ) was moderately thickened, which according to her, was due to high bp. She was quite deliberate in insisting i start bp meds. I protested and showed her my daily recorded bp readings ; however she questioned me in a manner which seem to suggest i fabricated  (imagine that!!) these numbers vs the high readings seem in the clinic. To convince me further she said  i have a thicken IVS ( due to high bp condition) .
But since she is the cardiologist (a professional) and according to he EKG results  (echo cardiogram ) my IVS is  thickened so i couldn't argue further. She insisted i begin bp medication immediately.

The medication brought on  the terrible  side effects which left me  dizzy, weak, and quite dismayed. After trying the med for two weeks and showing her my (very) low daily recorded  bp readings , she finally agreed that  my previous high "in-clinic" readings was due  white coat hypertension (clinical hypertension). Which was what i told her in  my first meeting (which she dismissed). She was totally unapolgetic and said flippantly go off the meds, and come back to see her again in 2 weeks. Forget it maam!

I had enough of her.

So i had two health  issues on my mind which weighed heavily on my mind even  while  i continued  my daily exercises and weight training.



Then sometime in June, something strange happened to me as i exited church. I suffered something called a global amensia. I forgot where i was and couldn't remember anything of that day. All i did rmbr was that  i was feeling hungry and that my body needed food. Fortunately i was with church mates (after church, Sunday) , and when they realize i wasn't myself, they took me to the emergency room at the hospital. They ran brain scans etc, but nothing abnormal was detected ( thank God, no signs of any stroke ). That was when the  neurologist first mentioned the term Global Amenesia, which they deemed  harmless (though they cannot explain the reason) and doesnt usually  not repeat itself. But I was warded 2 nights for observation.
Since  i was warded i could utilize my insurance so i requested to see the cardiologist (i wanted a different opinion other than that previous (awful) cardiologist. He took my ekg scans, treadmill results etc, and curiously  he didn't mention anything about a thicken IVS which the earlier cardiologist, from Beacon hosp had  so definitively said it to be so.

Like an experiment, gone wrong?! 

Fistula is the most painful
thing right at the wrist. 

Linda spent 2 nights on the uncomfortable couch w me in the room. Bryan upgraded us to a single room. 

Two weeks after my discharge from hospital, i went for my  follow up; the first appointment was with the neurologist which was  uneventful, except  he did something out of his way. When i showed him my past weeks bp readings, he took the trouble to do both a manual reading concurrently with my home  bp machine (which i brought along with me).

So although my readings were  high at the clinic (as usual), it did confirm  that my bp machine was accurate.
(actually my bp machine read higher on the diastolic number by 7 pts). That was good news because now i know for sure my home readings are accurate bcos most of my bp readings done at home were in the normal range.

Oh joy!! PTL

My visit with the cardiologist was equally stunning ; when he said my ekg readings were normal, i brought out  all the earlier records by the  other  cardiologist. He took time to evaluate the readings which were done by his ekg technician  (unlike my earlier ekg which  done by the failing  cardiologist herself) and concluded they're was nothing wrong in the size of my heart chambers, including the IVS(!!!)

All normal!! Yayyy!  A clean bill is health.

Rejoicing on the way home we stopped at Bumbu Bali for lunch 

On the way home, we stopped by our favorite restaurant to celebrate the good news.



Then in  August, i was to go check my left kidney on status of the cyst.
That day  before i began to pray earnestly even  as a went for my morning hike. With every step i took, i began to declare, 'as Jesus is, so am i in this world (1 John 4:7). 

I felt good.

The next day i went for an ultrasound check by  technician (before seeing the urologist) . The technician took time to record the readings. At the end of the session  she told me to wait as she wanted  to check the readings with the earlier ones (10 months ago). When she came back she said affirmatively that the cyst had shrunk. The cyst has shrunked by 80%.(!!!) 

(fr 4.5x3.3x3.5 to 2.5x 2.1x 2.0)

Oh wow PTL (again!)

Later, the urologist glumly confirmed the technician report. Before i left i had to ask him, if he's ever seen a cyst shrink, or if it was  normal for a cyst to shrink. He just replied, 'no'.

Whoohooo! Jesus did it!



I thank God for his miraculous hand over my life. He has removed the 2 health concerns, and i contnue to hold on to the scripture of 1John4 :17 which declares "as Jesus is so are we in this world.."

Be kind to yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

The human brain extrapolates incomplete data, all the time.

That s why (in life) we make the mistakes we do. It's called being human.

To err is human, to forgive divine.

Forgive yourself, your missteps,.. often. And sincerely (inspite the personal inconveniences, costs, sorrows, loss,.. forgive yourself, just forgive. You are not God (who has complete knowledge). 

God is, and he's got your back.

(Be kind to yourself) Do not let the devil who goes about like a roaring lion hum  these negative tunes/refrains  to your ears. 

Do not 

Do not let it build a nest in your head. 

❤️

And finally, remember God is able to turn your ashes into beauty. 

#Godspeaksthrumemes #today'sepiphany

The night lessons

This post was written in Jan 2021 in my phone 'notes' section. I forgot to put it in here.

Random picture on my phone 

I'm writing this still in my bed and the sleep still in my eyes. I want to capture the reality and lesson of last night while still fresh in my spirit.
The past few days I've been feeling some despair over my predicament. These feelings come on and off, but in between sleep during the night, was the worst:  'thoughts' of how to deal with xxxx, or preventative (proactive) measures preoccupied my mind.

In the middle of the night, in between sleep is the worst. During those times I could feel the despair in my body even as I tried my best to fall back asleep.

But the mind is engaged to 'solve' the problem.

Then suddenly I rmbr the words of jp, 'your problems shall BE food'  for you to bring you HIGHER , You shall eat them and draw strength from them.

Even as I was pondering  how I was to 'appropriate' this nugget of wisdom, I could literally 'feel' the fear lift.. gone, immediately!

Not exaggerating.

I 'look' for it but  (the fear) it just disappeared.

PTL

Then I realize how cunningingly stealth the enemy is in masquerading these thoughts as our own. And even as we mull on how to "responsibly address these situations"  facing us, we cannot but feel the despair.

The spiritual is more real than we realize.

But God is on our side (literally); the very moment we turn our thoughts to him the whole resources of heaven comes invading against the works of the enemy.

I didn't have to psych myself out of my despair, no it ran away.

Disappeared.

I could feel sleep coming over, I fell asleep literally in the beautiful arms of Jesus.

Are the problems facing us still there? , well, we don't know.
We are so limited and small, better we leave it at the feet of the One who is all wise and powerful. He is able to deal for us.

I'm so grateful for that.

Thank you Jesus

The trash collector

It was a full bag today. 

The most CONSIDERATE LITTERBUG ever.. 

After the 3 day holiday the forest has more than its usual trash from weekend hikers.

Picking up trash can be quite therapeutic, and also one  can  get quite philosophical whilst at  it.

People who are litter bugs hv a 'use and discard' mentality with no consideration at all for fellow humans, animals, or the ruin it brings to the forest environment. 

At best its a thoughtless act, but more likely it is a deed born of selfish desire.. to satisfy a momentary need /pleasure and then subsequently it is discarded 

( plastic water bottles, tissues, carton drinks, sweet wrappers, cigarrette boxes, pepsi / sprite can, yes an occasional beer bottle etc )

It's a use and discard mentality. 

Ironically, in varying degrees we ALL exhibit this behavior. We may not act base and litter indiscriminately, but we do carry that same attitude . 

We "use" whatever to satisfy our desires, and if situation presents we will use it to further our own selfish goals and gains. (be it monetary, personal glamor/attention, or otherwise)

We can observe this human trait in all settings .. in our business relationships, social  relationships, and yes even in  family relationships, esp. during distribution of family wealth etc)

It's who we are.

We can politely masked and rationally justify our actions, but it reflects a deeper issue within.

It really is an indictment on our  fallen nature, the sin nature.

(for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.. Romans 3:23) 

At every level, the Good News (gospel) is relevant and vital. We are a people that need personal redemption, and our great saviour Jesus Christ the eternal 'collecter'.. ie souls of men,.. he is powerful to save.

It's who He is. 

In the coming days ahead, the Bible warns that deeds of man will become more and more wicked, and many others will suffer in the fallout; many will be discarded by the wayside, fearful, hurt, discouraged, abuse or plainly betrayed. 

There is a hope.

Jesus loves picking up thru the trash pile of humanity.

And those who find Him find life.

Jesus bids.. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
- Matthew 11

So picking up trash ain't so bad. It keeps its looking down (a humble posture), it reminds me we are like precious little discards by the wayside which He picks, and lovingly  restores us  to our destiny and positions as eternal sons of God. 

The dentist chair

So today i was on the dentist chair for 90 mins enduring the high pitch drill, the sickening smell of enamel vaporising into air, and trying my best not to  gag.. .. all that water back of throat).

Throughly disorientating!

Then  suddenly he  asked me a strange question , 'do you do a lot of  swimming?!'.

Wth? 

Do i do a lot of..... swimming???

Aparrently, swimmers are able to control their breathing very well. (I guess he's done enough of these dental operations to tell the difference with a relaxed breathe vs  a stiffen eractic one.)

Up until that point, I hadn't even  realize i was unconsciously controlling my breaths evenly to relax myself ( i mean what else could you do on the dentist chair at the mercy of the drill right?)

I was kinda proud the op went well (even though my only contribution was my even breaths) as I layed there as still as possible, like a fish waiting to be gutted.

So yeah, well done andrew!

You survived the trauma, even  drew a compliment, and got out.. with  Rm1100 hole in the pocket.

And oh, finally after 7 hours i got my face back (one side was seriously  dead  numb) due to the localized anesthesia injection. 

In case u think I'm just  exaggerating, but no.. it's the 'tooth' nothing but the tooth.. so help me God.

Ta.

Chin (aka Smelk)

At first i was hesitant if i should invite Smelk (to hike) with us in Puchong  (circa 2018/9). Only a year earlier i had sent him to the hospital (he had suffered a stroke) and i didn't want to risk another incident with him in the  middle of the forest.)

But I'm so glad i did.

He was like duck to water. Not only was he able to finish the hike, but  being surrounded by nature  I cld see  it did 'something' for him. It  rejuvenated his mind /soul. Not surprising that he would soon become a regular hiker with us. In time to come he got stronger and would accompany me as we explored the deeper areas (into some restricted zones, waterfalls etc).

Also, I enjoyed his quiet company.

Most of all i appreciated that he  shared a deep love for nature (not just hiking as an exercise ) but that he really truly enjoyed the energies of the forest. In that sense we were a kindred spirit. So it's not surprising one day i found him with a plastic bag, collecting the trash inconsiderate hikers would leave behind (on the trails). He was not just a 'taker' only  (consumer mentality) , but a 'giver' doing his bit in keeping the forest pristine; he took ownership of that hill forest. That pretty much characterised Chin, even though he didn't hv much material goods to his name, but  he was a genuine giver, of his time, of his friendship, his knowledge and yes when he had an extra buck, he'd offer to pay your drink too.

(no he didn't drink alcohol, just teh si kurang manis ) 

Chin made many friends on the trail  and strike conversations easily with strangers. And he was always the charming gentleman with the ladies .

Towards the last year, his knees would act up and he limited his forays. The vaccine also adversely affected him (he told me) as he experienced tremors in his hands, and it showed in his gait.
I was always hoping he would get better and resume our hikes together, but that was not meant to be as his health deteriorated. Only when we saw his rapid loss of weight did we suspect it was something more sinister (you would never suspect it from his conversations/ whatsapp. The few of us who followed up with him, we too never really got a straight answer from him what was actually wrong in his body. Later i only heard from another that it was  prostate cancer, but i nvr did hear  it from him.

He lived 'one day at a time' and unwilling to bother those around him, (even though many times we offered)  and that was  how it seemed  till the very end.
.
.
. 😔

Goodbye Chin. (aka Smelk).. I will miss you. 

Two trees

 

Mark 2:5-12 

When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven you.”

6 And some of the scribes were sitting there and reasoning in their hearts, 7 “Why does this Man speak blasphemies like this? (A)Who can forgive sins but God alone?”

8 But immediately, when Jesus perceived in His spirit (DIANOIA) that they reasoned thus within themselves, (DIALOGIZNOIA) He said to them, “Why do you reason about these things in your hearts? 9 (B)Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise, take up your bed and walk’? 10 But that you may know that the Son of Man has [a]power on earth to forgive sins”—He said to the paralytic, 11 “I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.” 12 Immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went out in the presence of them all, so that all were amazed and (C)glorified God, saying, “We never saw anything like this!”

Today i learnt of two Greek new testament words. 

*Dianoia (die-ya-no-ya) spiritual discernment, perceive from within  Received when we eat  from Tree of Life  (Jesus) 

*Dialogiznoia ( logic, reasoning), our intellect. From the tree of knowledge of good and evil. 

There were two trees in the Garden of Eden. One was the 'Tree of life' , the other the 'Tree of knowledge of good and evil' (NOT just evil only ). Eve (and Adam) were deceived to eat from the 2nd tree, as they felt it most desirable. The moment they ate it, their eyes were opened, and they became like God ( who is the rightful arbiter of truth) 

Was it for selfish reasons (as suggested by the devil serpent) that God didn't want them to have this knowledge (of good n evil) . No, God knew it will be a burden to them and to their future offsprings (us). Furthermore, bcos of their disobedience, it brought sin (and death into this world). 

Even as one gets older, the perennial tasks of juggling the array of good and evil choices are adversely seen in our bodies (resulting in poor health bcos of stress ). Of course, the ramifications of sin are much more than just our physical health. It brought on a spiritual death, a separation from God the source of life itself. 

Inevitably, now  humans are tasked deciding what is 'good' and what is 'evil'. In some 'advance' societies ( ie. US), the 'woke culture' refuse to call the gender of a baby (it's a boy / it's a girl / oh it hasn't made its mind up yet.. duh? ), ... are we then to judge between what is good and evil? 

The fact is "truth" needs a moral compass 

We are not designed to handle this "knowledge of good and evil " (for what may seem right to us today, may not be so in future.) 

We are designed to eat from the tree of Life ( Jesus) where our trust and confidence lies, ie. in the One who loves us, and gave his life for us (that we may be raised to live w Him when our earth journey ends).

The flower stand

I wish i had taken a picture of the flower stand when i first unboxed it, the mess of parts unassembled strewn across my porch ; pieces of wood different lengths, configuration, and various 'holes' in strategic places for assembly ( ie.the screws, nuts, n bolts). 

The brain gets fogged trying to figure out how its susposed to fit together (btw did i mention that the assembly instructions was all in Chinese.. which I didn't know sh*t). I felt the pang of 'paralysis of analysis' unsure what i should do first. However, I knew regardless of 'unknowing' the full picture, i just needed to take a first step, and then the next step will be clearer. 

 I think its also true, the spiritual parallel when faced with indecision (analysis paralysis ) we just need to take the first step. By faith we take action (first step), then as we do, we can trust the holy spirit to guide us to the next.(course of action) Often times we want to see the whole picture in our minds first before we take the first step. It seems unnatural for us to 'move' w/out see the entire plan. I guess, that is what it means to 'walk in faith'. 

In the fall of fortified city Jerico, imagine following God s instruction to circle the city walls 7 times would result in the walls come tumbling down. But the first step of obedience is probably the most difficult. The walls of objections in our mind need to come tumbling down first, before our feet would move. In the end, it boils down to trust. God help us to trust. 

The hymn goes, it's so sweet to trust in Jesus. 

 • Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to take Him at His Word; Just to rest upon His promise, And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!” 

 • Refrain: Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er; Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! Oh, for grace to trust Him more! 

 • Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to trust His cleansing blood; And in simple faith to plunge me ’Neath the healing, cleansing flood! • Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease; Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest, and joy and peace.

• I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee, Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend; And I know that Thou art with me, Wilt be with me to the end.

Good Friday

So last night i had a dream ( and i rarely dream), but it was so vivid even now i can still rmbr the scenes /and the emotions alongside . I was leading a hiking group, but this time we went into a cave. The pathway soon became narrower (and narrower) till all i could do was contort my body to get thru these rock crevices till i reached a point i could no longer squeeze any further. As i became wedged in my position, i looked up to the sunlight breaking in thru the crevice, and i felt a sense of fear come over me. I was stuck. And I rmbr saying to myself "don't panic now andrew.. there is a group of ppl behind following you.. stay calm" . As i pondered my predicament, i look ahead thru the crevice in front of me, and i saw in darkness, there was a sign post that was impossibly placed there (no human could hv reached thru that narrow passage ). As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, i could see it had writing on it. And there it was. It said, "Jesus is the Way, the truth, and the life" Then i woke up. #truestory #goodfridaydream